Exasperated, I'll try anything

O.K. folks. Phenergan is my new best friend. I know my last post talks about how much better I was feeling. Well, the crappy nausea is back with a vengence. I can't take it anymore. I feel like a slug, and worst of all I can't drink anything. It still tastes like I chewed up a hand full of aspirin, but with the phenergan at least I don't constantly gag and dry heave over it. This will definitely be the last time I ever get pregnant. It just doesn't agree with me, and selfish as it may sound, I'm not willing to feel like this volutarily ever again. When you fall in love with adoption, you wonder why you ever wasted so much of your life and effort trying to get pregnant. And, very quickly adoption has the upper hand. Other than biological children initially being cost-free, the process of getting the child (feeling crappy, getting fat, pushing human life from your loins) is worse. I guess you have to weigh the emotional stress against the physical stress. I'd trade in some of my physical for emotional right now.

Feeling Better, Getting Fatter

Yay! The morning sickness has nearly subsided completely. I still have a nauseating aversion to the smell of soap, though. That was the same story with Flippity too. It's hard to do laundry, and taking a shower is my nemesis. Also, I can't stand the smell of anybody. Not stinky people, just normal pheremones. YUCK!

I don't know how normal people gain only 25 pounds during a pregnancy. My normal calorie intake (that keeps me at the weight I like) is 1200 cal. per day, even if I am working out all the time. That's nearly impossible when you are pregnant. I know I don't have to sit down to a Pizza Hut deep dish meat lovers pizza daily (I have learned a few things from the previous pregnancy). But in order to keep the body feeling well, I have to eat something every 2-3 hours. That usually consists of toast, a small sandwich, fruit, or whatever sounds good at the time. I lost my baby weight the last time, granted it took a few years, but nonetheless I lost it. This time I hope not to gain 50 pounds, because I've heard that it's harder to lose weight when you are over 30.

I have a midwife appt. on Wed. We heard the baby's heartbeat a few days ago, so I know she's still in there.

Thanksgiving

Thanksgiving is my favorite "food" holiday of the whole year. Stuffing, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, you know the usual. Well not this year, sister. Nausea, nausea, nausea. Why, oh, why does it have to hit at dinnertime on Thanksgiving day!? I am so tired of feeling sick. The only time of the whole day that I feel awesome is when I wake up in the morning and am laying on my back in bed. After I get up, it's usually down hill. Sure there are times of the day when I feel alright, but never a whole day goes by that I don't feel rotten at least for a little while.

Well, enough whining. As far as I know the baby is doing fine. She hasn't told me otherwise, so we'll go with that. In 2 weeks it's back to the midwife for another check. I think The Big Guy and I will find out the sex of the baby on this one. I'm not a big fan of knowing before the birth, but we are completely ready for a baby girl. I want to have something ready if it is a boy. I have nothing gender neutral because we'd been preparing for a baby girl. And, no, I don't wan't to just use the stuff I made for my girl "because the baby won't know the difference". The things I made are for MY GIRL. Whether I give birth to her or adopt her, that stuff is for HER. I wouldn't treat a boy any different as far as the special things I buy or make for him, so we'd like to know the sex.

If anyone has any suggestions about nausea, please feel free to comment about them. At this point I am willing to try anything that's legal.

So Close, yet So Far

Well, I haven't posted for quite some time and it's because there have been lots of things going on in my life. The Big Guy and I found out recently that I am pregnant. Almost 11 weeks at this point. This, of course, puts a halt to the adoption plans (not necessarily by my choice, but the agency policy). I've been nauseated almost every day for the past 3 weeks if not all day, at least for several hours.

It's a big change to go from feeling great and knowing that your referral is just around the corner to feeling like crap and knowing that you are not getting a referral at all. There's been lots of tears and sadness to mourne the "loss" of my Ethiopian baby. With that said, I also embrace the plans that God has for us. Obviously He knows what He's doing, and how can anybody argue with the master plan? Sometimes we're led down a road and we stand there saying "what was the point of this?" Well, this is one of those times for me. I know someday we will pursue the Ethiopian adoption, I just don't know when. I'm really not ready to let it go, but I don't have a choice.

So, although, this is now my pregnancy journey I am still leaving the title as is. This is still our journey through adoption because I am not closing the door on it at all. And even though this is a bit of a delay in the process I know it must be for good reason.

Top of the Hill?

Yay! We're at the top of the hill again! Hopefully for the last time. Just 51/2 more months to go until referral. I don't want to make this climb again, or at least don't tell me I'm doing it. Ignorance is bliss (only in this referral situation, of course).

We had a fun weekend in La Crosse, WI. We went to the Oktoberfest parade, which is HUGE. We also went to a pumpkin patch and an apple orchard. I love fall. October is my favorite month. In 2 weeks it's our wedding anniversary: 6 years. In 3 or so weeks its my birthday: 30. Yay 1976!

5 month anniversary

Today marks the day of our 5 month anniversary of waiting. When we started the journey we thought we'd have our referral by now for sure. Good thing we can't see the future, and it's not in our hands anyway! The courts, contradictory to what I'd previously thought, are still not open. Our agency sent out a mass e-mail a couple of days ago stating that the courts really aren't open and probably will not be until later this week. At this point much of their information I'm taking with a grain of salt and not holding fast to it. They have been wrong before and until EVERY agency can collaboratively state that the courts are open I will not believe it. Sometimes I feel like we're being told what we want to hear, not what is factual. I've gotten my hopes up for the last time in this process. I am very leary of quoted timeframes at this point. We have been told to expect a referral by Feb/March. This, too, I am hesitant to believe. The proof is in the puddin' baby! I'm ready to go the distance, whatever it takes for my daughter. If it takes more than 6 months, so be it. I just don't want to be patronized with "best case scenario" timeframes any longer. I don't want another phone call from the agency until it's THE CALL. Don't call me to tell me I'll be waiting longer, I already expect to. Just call me when you have my daugher. If you don't have anything nice to say don't say anything at all.

P.S. I'm not really trying to be nasty and I'm not mad at the agency. I'm just putting my game face on.

Keep your eye on the stork

See this stork ^ ? Watch him sprinting to the right. Go Stork Go! Thats how long we "expect" to wait for a referral at this point. Our agency forum had a referral today! Hooray Scott and Lisa : a beautiful baby boy 4 mos old. They waited 7 mos. We are 2 months behind them as far as the "official" wait date is concerned, but there's no way of knowing how many others there are that haven't registered on the forum. It really is a great support network and a great way to find out what month is up for referrals.

Better than a poke in the eye with a sharp stick!?

Not so sure about that today. We just received info from the adoption agency that our wait will be extended yet again. They expect us to wait another 5-6 months. How and why?? I was told that based on last years numbers, how many infants can be processed in a month, and how many waiters fit our same mold this is the best guess they can give to our family. So now here we go on the uphill climb once again. Just shy of having waited half way. There's got to be a punch line here somewhere, right?

C'Mon Baby

Week 20! That's half of a pregnancy! This adoption thing, however, is WAY harder than being pregnant. The courts re-open this week, so I am told. Things should start moving along again within the next couple of weeks. Prayerfully, we will be close to a referral.

Flippity's first day of pre-school. He had a blast, of course. His birthday is coming up. He has requested a Power Ranger's Dino Thunder birthday theme and cake. Aunt E always makes the birthday cake for him, so she has a challenge on her hands this year. Already the theme has switched from Doodlebops to Wallace and Grommit, and now Power Ranger's. And yes, there are like 5 different Power Ranger sub-categories. It's not just plain old PR anymore baby!

Fast approaching week 19

Soon, a couple of weeks I think, the courts will re-open in Ethiopia. I am so excited I can hardly stand it. I just want so badly for us to have our baby girl home by Christmas. I don't know how likely it will be, but I keep praying for it. I am an emotional wreck right now. I can't even hardly talk about the adoption without becoming choked up. I know we need to have patience, and we do, but I can't help the emotional turmoil during it all.

Flippity starts pre-school a week from Monday. He is so excited, and so am I. He needs the interaction with other kids. Hopefully by the time we bring home our daughter he will be totally ready to share (yeah right!). It makes me sad to look at all the baby pictures of him and think where did the time go? I've been a stay at home mom for the past 4 years and still I'm baffled by how the time slips through my grasp, and before you know it: pre-school. That was never going to happen to me, I would never be the mom who said where did the time go? and they just grow up so fast! Well, here I am saying it and feeling it.

Embarking on Week 17

"I Can Only Imagine" by Mercy Me

(this song is obviously about Jesus, but when I hear it I can easily imagine these thoughts running through my mind the first time we lay eyes on our daughter).


I can only imagine
what it will be like
when I walk by your side

I can only imagine
what my eyes will see
when your face is before me

Surrounded by your glory
what will my heart feel
will I dance for you Jesus
or in awe of you be still

Will I stand in your presence
or to my knees will I fall
Will I sing hallelujah
Will I be able to speak at all

I can only imagine...

(it always brings tears to my eyes)

Knowledge of the unknown

As I was sitting in chuch today and praying for my daughter, I got a premonition that she's been born. I don't know when but I have an overwhelming feeling that she's here! I may be eating these words in a matter of months, but I have prayed for God to allow me to feel her presence when she is born.

The cup is half full

The time is just flying by (only when I look back on it, of course). 15 weeks down and hopefully the journey is halfway accomplished. The courts close tomorrow, I thought it would never come. The beauty of it (if there is any) is that in 2 months we'll be back on the edge of our seats with anticipation. At least we can all take a breather from the stress of "getting in" before the court closure. I am waiting until September to paint the room and put the finishing touches on it. I don't think I can bare to have it sitting empty waiting for our daughter for too long. I don't think we'll put the crib up until the referral comes. I KNOW I can't bare to see an empty crib sitting there day after day.

The remainder of this original post has been deleted due to the misinterpretation of my thoughts. Let's all remember that what we read in cyberspace is completely one dimensional, so it is easy to read text and not know anything about the person or real feelings behind it.

Don't make any plans

Unfortunately we have just found out that the wait times are more likely going to be closer to 8 months for us now than the previously thought 7. It does get frustrating that every month that goes by another is added. It feels like we can't catch up, we think we're getting ahead when in fact we are in the same boat we thought we were a month ago. At what point are we going to be on the other side of waiting? We keep climbing the hill and the top is no where in sight. I really am O.K. with the waiting, because I know it is serving a purpose. I know there is nothing that can be done about it, and I am thrilled that it's all due to more and more people adopting from Ethiopia. It just would be nice to know a more concrete time frame, but I guess that is the nature of the beast. It's all unknown.

Summer Rocks!

My sister and I successfully made it to and from the Bon Jovi concert in Chicago this past weekend. Here's a little slice of heaven for us all to enjoy:













We'd finish out the world tour with him if money and time permitted! I think we all probably feel that way (even a little bit). Bon Jovi ROCKS!!

We saw a good movie this weekend dealing with the HIV situation in Africa, and the very reason why so many children are abandoned from the disease. The movie is called Yesterday, it's very good. Other than that not much to report other than we have hit the 3 month mark for waiting. Yay for us.

12 weeks of waiting

We had the pleasure of enjoying a family wedding this past weekend. The Big Guy's brother got married. It was very hot, but we all had a good time. Friday, my sister and I are off to a Bon Jovi concert in Chicago. We saw him in January in Minneapolis and we had a blast. We are now wondering if we are considered groupies or not...hmmm? We can only dream.

Week 11 and doing well

It's a good thing the summer months are filled with activity. It really keeps my mind off the waiting (not the child though). Time seems to be going by quickly.

Plans for the summer:

1. Family wedding
2. Bon Jovi concert!
3. The Big Guy's birthday
4. Wisconsin Dells
5. Lake house vacation
6. Painting the baby room

Before you know it the courts will re-open and we'll be back in the running for a referral. It has been a very good last couple of weeks for referrals through our agency, and I hope it continues up until the court closure. Several people are travelling to pick up their children in a couple of weeks which will make room for new children waiting for families. We are so blessed to be adopting!

Awesome Referral Week!

Not for us of course, but there were 4 referrals so far this week at our agency! 2 boys and 2 girls, all infants. It feels so good to move up the list 4 slots. There are most definitely more people that are not on the message boards that I read daily that have also gotten referrals, so I can only go by the info posted in cyberspace! Prayers to all those who have received referrals.

Second Trimester

Just entering week 10 today. I'm assuming (perhaps enthusiastically) that we are now transitioning into the "second trimester" of waiting. I hope this doesn't mean weight gain and mood swings. I don't think I could handle another 50 pound weight gain! That is also the glory of adopting you don't HAVE to gain weight, it's optional. My option: not gonna do it.

We had a fabulous weekend which was centered around my grandma Lois turning 80. I hope I am as beautiful as she is when I turn 80. She had a huge party with a great turnout of people. It's a great testimony of your life when you have that many people that still love you so much.

I am keeping my time full of my son, and spending some quality time with him doing fun things. Some of our adventures last week included fishing with wrenches with string attatched (he has an amazing imagination) and driving his "truck" around the block as I was a passenger in his boat. We successfully lauched our boat into the "water" and caught several large fish - strictly catch and release. Hopefully this week's adventures will be just as exciting.

Kids are so darn cute

As Flippity and I were sitting outside today I looked up in the sky and saw a motorized hanglider flying around. I said, "look Flippity, up in the sky." He got really excited and said, "It's Jesus!" We should have been so lucky! Just thought I'd share.

Epiphany

Just as I am grumbling about all the waiting for a referral it dawns on me how many Ethiopian orphans must be being adopted. If all these children are being placed in a "better" situation in life, it only makes sense that this generation of children could quite possibly be the ones who change the face of Ethiopia. If they are all brought up in a better lifestyle and have a better education than they could have gotten in their birth country, it should be empowering to them to be able to make a difference for Ethiopia in the future. Are all of us adopting parents ready for that!? What a great and abundant life we have!

Week 9

I get to cross off another number on my calendar! 9 weeks of waiting. I am nervous for the court closures. For those of you that do not know about that it is a 6 week (or so) period in Ethiopia where the courts shut down, due to the rainy season I am told. I feel like things are coming to a halt. It's very uplifting to see referrals happening, and when that is gone, I think all of us waiting will be on edge.

When we started this process we thought for sure we'd have a baby by the end of the summer, what "they" forgot to tell us was that the courts close down for 6 weeks. I have been told that referrals can still be made, just none of the paperwork can be processed. I have tried to mentally prepare myself for longer and longer wait times. When we first sat in the social worker's office to discuss adoption, she told us that the first Ethiopian adoption that she did took (from decision to adopt to baby home) 3 months! That's what I was sure would be our story, little did I know what was going on behind the scenes: more and more people being added to the waiting list on every adoption agency's list.

I know I didn't drag my heels getting anything done, and most of the time was waiting for paperwork at the mercy of others. But, as it turns out, people that have been waiting since Dec. 2005 are still waiting, so nothing really would have changed if we would had made the decision any sooner.

Ask any adopting parent how the wait is, whether it's 2 months or 2 years, the answer will always be: EXCRUCIATING! So the beginning of this week I am feeling a little on edge about all of it. I wish I had Anne's Emote-o-meter!

An Adoption Poem

This is my favorite poem that I found online

Once there were two women who never knew each other.
One you do not remember, the other you call mother.
Two different lives shaped to make you one.
One became your guiding star, the other became your sun.
The first one gave you life; and the second taught you to live it.
The first one gave you a need for love; the second was there to give it.
One gave you a nationality. The other gave you a name.
One gave you a talent. The other gave you aim.
One gave you emotions. The other calmed your fears.
One saw your first sweet smile. The other dried your tears.
One sought for you a home that she could not provide.
The other prayed for a child and her hope was not denied.
And now you ask me, through your tears, the age-old question unanswered through the years-
Heredity or environment, which are you a product of?
Neither, my darling, neither. Just two different kinds of love.

Unknown author

O.K. We're ready

The Big Guy and I just finished watching an adoption story about a couple adopting a little girl from Ethiopia, through tears of course. How can we possibly be expected to wait 5 more months? Is it humanly possible? 5 months is an eternity (as was 7, 2 months ago). I can't complain (o.k. maybe I can) about the wait because China adoptions are taking 2 years! Domestic adoptions- forget it, you'd be retired by the time you were matched with a family! I have always lived in a predominantly white community and color was obvious to me. I am slowly turning the corner to seeing the person, not the color. I suppose when this transition is complete is when it will be our turn.

Just Keep Busy

We've just rounded the 8 week waiting mark (hooray!) for our child. One week closer to our baby girl. There has only been a couple of referrals this week for people on my message board, but a couple is better than none. I am trying to keep busy by making things for the baby's room. I feel like I'm flying through these projects, and I better slow down. I hurt my back last week, so that has put a halt to the excercise program. I just ordered wallpaper for the bedroom, so it's slowly getting there. When I stand back and think of all that needs to be done yet, I realize there is so much. Most people who have just received referrals are saying to get it all done before you get a referral, because when it comes there's a whole new frenzie of things to do. I am at an amazing sense of peace this week about the adoption. I know our daughter isn't born yet because I can't feel it (or at least that's what I keep telling myself). So far the weeks of waiting are flying by, and as long as I don't completely obsess over the referral the time is sure to pass quickly. I'm sure in future posts you will notice that my mind is transforming into that of a deranged lunatic. Until then...

The Wait (a letter to my daughter)

I have been told to enjoy the wait. This is an extremely hard thing to do in the realm of the unknown. The unknown being: When will you be born? When will we meet you? And who will you be? I believe that God knows the answer to all these things and I trust that in His time we will too. I find comfort in knowing that God decides these things for us rather than us choosing for ourselves. So I thank Him everyday for the wait knowing that we will end up with the most perfect baby girl for our family. Do I enjoy the wait? No. It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do. It stretches my faith and my patience in ways I never thought possible. I'm trying to keep my mind busy by journaling my feelings, and making things for you. Right now I long for you, I miss you, and I have an empty void in my heart for you. I love you and I don't even know you. I can't wait to meet you, but I have to. So as we face more of a wait I'll lean on God to pull me through and give me strength until I can meet you.

History of the adoption

Let me back up and tell our story of how we came to this point in our lives. When we got pregnant with Flippity, we felt that the world was right. The natural progression of a family was taking place and we were delighted. Everyone kept telling us that we shouldn't wait so long to have another one. I wanted the children to be spread apart by 3+ years. So just before Flippity turned 2 we started trying again. When the trying turned into a year, we went to seek help. The conclusion was that the Dr.s didn't know what the problem was and could only label us as infertile because there was no explanation for the situation. We tried fertility meds, and when my heart had been broken for the last time through that process I said ENOUGH!!

I had never really considered adoption at all until we started having these problems. I feel like God has been telling us for awhile that we were to adopt, we just weren't listening (or we had to take these steps to get here). When He was finally screaming in our ears "YOU WILL ADOPT FROM ETHIOPIA" we started listening. It didn't take me long to fall in love with the idea or the children there. We filled out the application for adoption on January 24, 2006. We had our final homestudy on February 15, 2006, and we had our I171-H form back by April 24, 2006.

The progression of the process has been easy, quick, and we have really had no bumps in the road so far. I know I shouldn't be waiting by the phone since we've only been waiting 7 weeks, and we are facing a wait of 7 months, but I can't help but hold my breath every time I answer the phone. I do feel that our child will come into our lives when God is ready to put her here. So until then...

The Beginnings of the Excruciating Wait

I keep telling myself I will NOT become one of those neurotic, emotionally unstable, waiting by the phone people waiting for a referral. Too late. I find myself comforted by the belief that the exact child that was meant to be mine will be when the time is right. I am going under the assumption that she is just not born yet. I feel that this assumption just keeps me grounded in the long wait that is facing us. Who knows how long it will be. Recent talk is that it will take at least 7 months by the time we get our referral.