I am thankful for

Mothers who love their children enough to recognize when they cannot parent them. Children who have the will to survive despite all odds. A country that sees the flaws in its system and allows these children to be raised by others in another country. I am thankful for my boys and my daughter, and all the hard work it took to get them here however they arrived. I am thankful for my hard working husband, who supports me at every turn in the road. I am thankful for 2 year olds crawling into bed with me at night. I am thankful for 7 year olds who sass back, but are so kind hearted to the core. I am thankful for my spunky little girl who challenges me all the time, but apologizes with a smile that can melt your heart. I am thankful.

Coming Clean

O.K. All you fellow AP's out there - don't hate me, or think less of me for this post. I have been struggling lately with the situation surrounding Baby G's abandonment. While we were in Ethiopia we found out that she was in a different orphanage for the first 5 mos. of her life before getting to Horizon House. We originally thought that she had been abandoned at ~6mos old. How on earth does a child like her live in an orphanage for that length of time and not be adopted out? I know, I know, we are very lucky to have her and it was all meant to be... la de dah. I would not have it any other way. I have contacted our agency to find out more about this first orphanage that she was at. We asked for all the info when we were in Ethiopia and nobody had anything other than what we had already seen. How is this possible? Don't other orphanages keep records of the children they have in their care? The person at the agency that I have contacted seems to have a lacsidasical attitude about the whole thing. I asked her 2 mos ago if we could, indeed, have the info from her file from the first orphanage that she was at. She'll ask. Whatever. So I try to imagine what her birth mother must have gone through - having to abandon her child (perhaps she passed away during childbirth or shortly after - we'll never know) when she (Baby G) was so young. I cannot imagine this woman. I cannot imagine Baby G as the child of anybody else but us. I know that many AP's find that the information about birth relatives is absolutely priceless. I just don't feel a desire or a connection to that sort of information. People have grieved the loss of birth mothers on mother's day and birthdays. I do not. I look at Baby G and I might as well have given birth to her, I feel as she has no connection whatsoever to any other woman on this planet. Is that wrong? I'm not sure if that is callous or unfeeling. But it is how I feel.

one of my favorite connections in the Bible

A real man, a real boy, walked up the mountain together—the young man bent under the wood for the burnt offering, the father striding behind, carrying the fire and the knife. “But where is the lamb for the sacrifice?” Isaac asked.

“God himself will provide the lamb for the burnt offering, my son,” replied Abraham.

We have heard the story before. We know how it ends. But what if we didn’t? What if Isaac had been our son, the fulfillment of a promise God had made to us? Could we have traveled for three days to Mount Moriah, the place of sacrifice, dreading the moment and yet walking steadily toward it? Could we have taken the knife in our own hand, willing ourselves to obey the command we did not understand and wished we had not heard? It is hard to read the story without imagining how Abraham must have felt. Was his hand shaking as he held the knife? Was his mind reeling under the burden of the terrible command he was about to obey? It is not hard to imagine his agony.

But have you ever considered it from God’s point of view?

Watching the man and his son, did God feel something tearing at his heart, knowing that what he asked but did not require of Abraham—the sacrifice of his only son—he would one day require of himself?

We're Home

Ahhhh the joys of life. I sit here and drink my Ethiopian coffee as I write this and listen to Lazy Town. The Big Guy has taken Baby G and Flippity out for the morning so Licks and I can hang out here for a bit.

Our trip was absolutely amazing. I want to go back, and wished I didn't have to leave when we did. I am glad to be home, though, because I missed my boys desperately.

When we left on Sat morning for Ethiopia, I did not want to go. I felt like I was being forced out the door and on to a series of airplanes. I was not ready. Much like the experience of giving birth - totally prepared but just not ready.

When we landed in Addis and got off the plane, I was expecting something big - some sort of feeling or distinct smell or something. Didn't have it. We already had our visas so there was no standing in line, thank God. We looked for Mulat (driver and saint) and he found us. We made our way to his van and piled in. The Big Guy and I were the last of our group to arrive so we got the van all to ourselves. I was totally unprepared for the driving experience of Addis. I had been warned of it before and even seen footage, but until you actually experience it.... We had begging children running up to the van and asking for money. They were saying things like "I love you mommy" and "Barack Obama". We gave them nothing. Mulat must have thought the looks on our faces was comical, because with a smile on his he said something out the window to the children who quit begging.

It was a short ride to the guest house, and I was suprised at the location of it - down a long alley only wide enough for the van to fit. When we arrived at the guest house, Mulat showed us our room right away. I stood frozen in fear in our room for several minutes. My heart was going to pound right out of my chest. After finding the paperwork we needed The Big Guy grabbed the video camera, we hugged each other, and found our way to the living room where several people were finishing dinner. They all asked us who our child was and everyone was sooooo glad that we were there for her. They said she really needs her mommy. That made me feel good. Mulat asked us if we wanted to meet Baby G. Of course! Someone in the group offered to video it for us and we made our way through the dark to a room of babies. I saw her before we entered the room because her crib was right next to the door which was open. She was asleep. There she was, just as peaceful as could be. The nannies insisted on waking her up. All I could do was stare at her and cry. She woke up right away and looked at us dazed. I think the babies are used to being woken up at all hours of the night, so its really no big deal to them. All of the nannies came to watch our meeting. It was so heart warming. Baby G recognized Mulat right away and a huge smile came to her face. She just sort of melted into both of us and it was all over at last.








Over the next few days we had lots of stuff to keep us busy. Monday we went to the US Embassy to apply for a visa for Baby G to leave the country. Tuesday several (like 20) babies were scheduled to get vaccinations. We were lucky enough to go with and witness that. Mulat was fabulous at the clinic with holding the babies who were getting injected and comforting them when they were done. It was not hard to see the love and kindness in people there. Wednesday was shopping which I ended up leaving early from because I did not feel good. Thursday was more shopping and Friday was the coffee ceremony and packing to leave. We got some great stuff while shopping and spent nearly $400. I was glad to do it. I wish I had purchased more. We were really only there for 5 days since we got in late Sunday night and had to leave Friday night. The flight home was much better than the flight there. We originally purchased only 2 seats for the flight home, but after meeting Baby G and realizing how active she is, we knew we needed another seat. Thank God for small miracles because the flight was full on the way home so we were standby for most of the week. Thursday when I called the agent she did have another seat available. Baby G was great on the flight home, I am impressed that we all kept our wits about us since flying like that with lack of sleep can do anyone in.

Our homecoming and welcoming committee was fantastic! Flippity ran up to us as soon as we cleared the escalators. I cannot even describe the joy in my heart to have all of my children together in one place. Licks was a little more apprehensive, as we knew he would be. Being displaced as the youngest has to be hard. We had several people from church who made awesome signs and my parents, and sister were there to greet us as well. What a fantastic feeling to finally be home and have all the waiting and worrying over. I feel like a weight has been lifted from me and I am free....

This is it!

Tomorrow we board the plane to Ethiopia. It is so very hard to leave children behind. A fellow blogger said that after you say goodbye, just don't look back. Eyes on the prize. All of it still seems surreal that in several hours my feet will be on a different continent. This baby that people keep sending me pictures of is going to be in my arms soon - she's actually real. I suppose its a bit like giving birth, only not as painful. I remember having the same out of control feeling before giving birth to both boys. I remember feeling 'just a little bit longer, I'm not ready yet'. But I am also a person who likes to dive in head first without testing the waters, so I know I'll be O.K. Besides, I'll have the Big Guy with me and he is quite calm in situations where I can't be. This is not like going to Disney World folks!

SUCCESS!

We have defeated the luggage! You were no match for me - I knew you would fail. The Big Guy got a more accurate scale and a flimsy duffel for my carry-on. Now we are both around 13lb each with very little left to pack. WE DID IT! (I know, you probably think this is crazy, but its the little things that make a difference in the stress level).

Wow!

10 days until we leave the US. Scary thought. I can't stop and dwell on it for long because it puts panic in my heart. I am leaving my boys, and that's hard to do. I have not been away from Licks really ever. He is 2. I know they'll be fine, but will I? My greatest fear is that Baby G will not like me. I fear her rejection. We have loved her for so long, and we are only mere strangers to her. She loves the nannies and they love her. How must they feel allowing these strange people to come in and swoop up these kids they have raised for so long? It is truly God's work that these amazing women are doing. I still feel like none of this is real. How can this be happening? We have been "doing" this for so long, and it is about to end/begin.

On a lighter note... we have too much weight. There is a 15lb weight limit on Ethiopian Airlines for the carry-on luggage. The suitcase alone weighs 5lb. Did you ever hear the saying "you can't shove 10lbs of crap in a 5lb bag" ? Well, yes you can and more. I think I will be searching for something lighter. I must. I am looking at this as a challenge that I can defeat.

It's Settled!

We will be leaving to get baby G on June 6 and arriving back in the US on June 13. 1 week earlier than I expected, but I'll take it. The flights are booked. The packing almost done. Waiting on donations of formula, but we'll purchase it if necessary. We are taking 32+ cans of formula in 2 Rubbermaid totes, and 1 Rubbermaid tote filled with diapers and wipes. I am going to throw up now.

It Doesn't Make a Difference...

If I find out in the next 30 seconds or 3 days when we get to travel to get baby G. But, I'd sure like to know right this second. Seems like we're constantly being asked to wait just a little longer than everyone else for some reason. We know what group # we're in. We know how many people are in our group. We just need a date to leave. I hate things looming over me. If I can do it - I want it done. All of the pieces of the puzzle are complete except this little, yet very monumental, piece of info. Most people at our agency get a travel date the day after they pass court. We are now going on 5 days. AND day 5 is quickly drawing to a close. I know they just need to secure an Embassy date for us and I know what the next possible one is - I just want a confirmation. I want to spend my money on plane tickets. I want to deplete the adoption account. I am so tired of waiting...

Just when you hit another low....

The rollercoster takes a crank and shoots you right back to the top. Hopefully this ride is over. We have passed court today! Hooray, hooray, horray! Baby G is legally our child, although she has been in our hearts for the last 4 years. We don't know when we will travel yet, but it will likely be in about 4 weeks. Soooo much to do. The Big Guy looks at the stuff I have laid out to pack and he just can't believe we will need all those things. This is the man who could live the movie Castaway and be fine with it. Some of us more civilized human beings actually like to wear clean clothes and deodorant on a regular basis. Oh yeah, here's the little princess...

Hold on a minute!

I'm sure some have heard the recent news of children found abandoned in Addis who have been matched with a family having their court cases put on hold. Baby G is a baby that was abandoned only not in the city of Addis. We don't know how this will affect us, if at all, but we feel pretty confident that we'll be O.K. I just have a sense of peace in my heart about it. I don't know why, but God is telling me we won't be included in this mess. There are investigations that will have to take place surrounding all of these said cases to make sure that they were truly abandoned children. Of course we want the most ethical circumstances permeating throughout this adoption, and so should everyone else. So, once again if it takes longer to get her - so be it. She is ours and we are hers and God is directing the whole sequence of events.

Time

Has it really been 2 months since our referral for baby G? I have to admit time has not stood still. In part, because I am in school - a great distractor by the way - and there is so much to do. I feel like we'll be running around like crazy peeps when we finally get travel news. There has been quite the lull at our agency for court dates so hopefully within the next couple weeks somebody will hear something. On a fun side note - we've made the switch to cloth diapers. I have been through 2 in disposables and decided that 2 in diapers at the same time would nearly kill us financially so we did it. I put baby M in them right away (baby M will now be referred to as Licks until further notice). I really, really like them. It is not hard to handle them at all. I am washing them myself. The Big Guy was concerned that since we can't keep up with laundry as is how will we be able to wash diapers? Well, our problem is not washing the clothes it is folding them. Thats what takes the most time (and everybody hates). The cloth diapers do not need to be folded so its easy. Our bathrooms already smell better. I feel like our bathroom smelled like a nursing home even if we emptied and wiped out the garbage can daily.

Speaking of Licks - he will be 2 years old in 2 weeks. I can't even start to wrap my head around having a party for him, although we have a house full of people coming. Where does the time go? Has it really been 4 years since we fell for Ethiopia? I feel like if I stop and blink my eyes 4 more years will fly by:(.

Amazing Photos

We just received some of the most amazing photos of Baby G. She is so beautiful. I want her now. I hope this wait goes by fast. I think it has been taking around 10 weeks for people to get a court date. Passing on the first try is another story. Often people do not pass right away. For some it takes several attempts. Everything has to line up just so in order for it all to go off without a hitch. Something my God can do. I have seen His hand at every turn in the journey, this will be no different. Some who passed court early this week (at our agency) got notice that they travel next week. Seems like once court is passed (at our agency) people travel within a month AT THE MOST. Hopefully the 10 weeks to court date trend continues or speeds up. I hope things DO speed up for those staring down another court closure. Yuck.

Embarrassing

It is so embarrassing and discouraging when someone sends you pictures of a child and asks you if it is your child and you cannot say for sure. The picture is plain as day, but I do not recognize my own child! No, I do not have a brain injury (that I know of). All I have is a picture of her from nearly 3 months ago. We all know how much babies change in the first year of their lives. It is making me sick. Please pray for quick travel for us to get this child before she's a sassy teenager.

On a side note, we constantly say that flippity acts like a teenage girl. I got confirmation from my Dr. last week of such. He asked him to climb up on the table and he did his 'teenage girl' exasperated sigh, and the Dr. said "boy, you sound like a teenage girl". VALIDATION! I am living in the house of drama.

FINALLY! Kobernusz party of 5 please...

We got the call! Yesterday after I put baby M down for a nap I was searching the internet for international pediatricians when I my phone started ringing. It was the 781 area code. I'm sure my voice was shaking when I answered the phone. Here's the conversation:

E: Hi this is E from WH, how are you today
me: I'm fine how are YOU!?
E: Good, I have some good news for you
me: (already in tears) you do?
E: Her name is G and I spent the whole week with her last week. She's beautiful

more information was exchanged, but I won't put it all here.

She's perfect and healthy and gorgeous!

14 months

Pardon my smugness in my last post. Things at the agency seem to have come to a screeching halt. There have been ZERO referrals in February. I don't think this has ever happened before. WHY does this have to happen when we are on top of the list? I know there's going to be lots more waiting ahead of us, but to make some headway would be nice for once. We have never gotten past waiting before. It would be soooooo nice to surpass the point we did last round. Fingerprints have been re-applied for, homestudy updates in the works, and yes the phone IS working after all.

Next please? Who's next?

Oh, that would be us.

You have been cordially invited to a pity party...

Come on and call already! It's not hard, there's just 10 little numbers on the phone to push, anyone can do it. Ring phone ring!

I am not waiting well now. Ever since we were told that we are getting close to a referral, well you know what happens. I didn't want to be this kind of waiter. I want to be occupied, in control, and calm. I wanted the call to catch me completely off guard. I have PLENTY to keep me busy, yet my mind can only focus on getting a referral. For the love of God, there are agencies with waiting babies simply because they don't have enough applicants. Why can't that be our agency? I have been good.

Tomorrow marks the 3 year anniversary of the day we turned our very first application in. I HAVE BEEN WAITING FOR 3 LONG YEARS! Don't you think it's about time that WE get the call?

Thanks for coming to my party, I have to go check to see if the phone is working properly now.

Who Knows?

I think I was doing better with the adoption wait when I thought that we would be getting a referral at the end of 2009 (the wait times have gone from 17+ months to 13-14 months). I don't know why I told myself this, but I did. Right now we are 4 weeks behind the "next person on the waiting list". There is no rhyme or reason for how fast or slow that referral will come. Now I am a basket case thinking that if 2 or 3 baby girls came into orphanage custody it could be us getting a phone call. Of course, the agency will not let you know how many people stand between you and the "next person on the waiting list". At least school starts again on Monday and hopefully it will keep my wandering mind occupied enough to survive these next couple of months. If things go as they have been we would be getting a call by March. Sooner would be fine with me. I am hoping to travel this summer so we can have some quality time together before 3rd semester nursing school starts. All this assuming, of course, that we would be getting a referral soon. I do know that about 1 month ago we were in the top 20. They would not tell us if we were closer to the top or bottom of the list. I think that every agency worker should be hired only after going through the adoption process themselves so that they would know how aggravating the limited information is. I also understand the lengths we take even tiny bits of information to, and why they have to remain consistent with information they are allowed to give. I just want a fricking referral phone call!

In other news, we had a fabulous time at Disney World. I would not recommend going over Christmas time if you want to get on any rides, but all in all it was a great vacation. We did not get any great pictures, but I will post some when we get them uploaded.