Holding my breath

I feel like I am holding my breath waiting for something to happen. We saw the Dr. yesterday and he said 'just expect, at any time, that you will start to bleed'. Yeah, that makes me feel like going to the mall or the grocery store. We do have a scheduled date for the C-Section - May 17. Of course it is pending on the previous day's amniocentesis. Not really sure how I feel about that. I know I am freaking out at the concrete date staring me in the face on the calendar. It's obvious that the baby must be born and we know exactly how it's going to happen, it's just that it now seems like it's time to walk the walk. All the talking's done and it's time to face the music. Yeah I'm freaking out! I play out the events of the surgery in my mind several times per day, and it's always scary. I have never had a surgery, general anesthesia, or much pain to speak of in my life. The Big Guy calls me 'warrior woman' from the delivery of Flippity, and of course that hurts but you're up and around immediately following that. I fear the pain. And here's a list of the things that scare me the most:

1. Amniocentesis
2. Urinary catheter
3. Epidural
4. Arterial line
5. Stomach being stapled shut (the after pain)
6. Whatever the lack of a uterus feels like and the internal repairs that must be made

Of course it's best to walk into this situation completely prepared and no suprises, but I would rather have it go down emergently so I don't have to dwell on it for the next 3 weeks (selfish I know).

Enough of my pity party for now. I'll let you know when I feel like celebrating again.

Hidden Blessings

I've come to realize in the past few days that my life is full of blessings. Not that I didn't realize this before, but sometimes we just need to open our eyes in the middle of a storm and stand still. If we can all just shut up for a minute we can hear God speaking to us, and what He says is very comforting. First lets visit the fact that the adoption didn't exactly work out. I was told once by someone that 'God must think you're a pretty good mom to boys, and that's why you're getting another one.' Perhaps I'm not ready, yet, for raising a girl. I may just need a feisty little boy to practice on first! Second, all the problems that have arisen during this pregnancy. The problems themselves are not quite a blessing, but it does make me thankful that I was able to experience the process one last time. The fact that I remain asymptomatic with the placenta previa is a miracle to more than just myself. The Dr. was indeed suprised at this as well - hidden blessing. The sheer size of the baby - a placenta previa baby at that - hidden blessing. I ran into a friend yesterday that gave birth 8 weeks early to her son. He is still in the NICU 3 weeks after birth. He was 3 pounds at birth and can't suck. I am so blessed that this baby is not trying to get out, and he is so big. Third, I have a fantastic family. The big guy is a week from finishing his clinicals for good, then he's done with school. He will be home all week long! Flippity is such a good helper and easy child to deal with - a bonus when hormones are raging.

Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered 'peace be still'
He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child.

-Scott Krippayne

One day at a time

We had an ultrasound and a visit to the Dr. this week. I am at week 31 yay! The baby is measuring at 33 weeks and is already 4.5 pounds. The Dr., quite frankly, is a bit suprised that I remain asymptomatic with the placenta previa. Statistically, something should go down within the next couple of weeks, according to her. So we decided that if she gets in to do the C-section and sees the placenta not detaching the way it should, she's going ahead with the hysterectomy. I know, some might say 'save the uterus' or 'it's your identity as a woman'. I really am more interested in not bleeding to death or being under general anesthesia forever while the surgeons try to be heroes, ultimately ending in a hysterectomy anyway. The ovaries will remain untouched (hormone production), and really the function of the uterus is to house babies and bleed. It seems logical to me that if I am not going to ever give birth again (no way after all this), and I can get rid of a monthly period at the same time, why not just do it!? I do get to have a pretty vertical scar on my belly though, hopefully not making my belly look like a big butt (but again, lets focus on the big picture... survival). So stay tuned for the updates, any day now....

Happy Good Friday

How many of you out there remembered it was good Friday today? The day that Jesus was crucified to save us from our sins. A sad, and glorious day all wrapped into one. Happy Good Friday everyone!

No gestational diabetes (this is a good Friday).

Glucose is not my friend

I took the 3 hour glucose tolerance test today. At least they had the orange flavor versus the disgusting cola. 100 grams of glucose to drink in 5 minutes. I totally expect the test to come back that I have gestational diabetes. How could it not? My luck so far with this pregnancy has been pretty bad. While sitting at the Dr.'s office for 3 hours, I was able to get undisturbed studying done which was great. And another plus is that the lady drawing the blood did a good job, which means that the 4 needle sticks were a success. Usually phlebotomists in clinics are not so good (no offense to anybody). Results of this test should come back in a few days, I'm really in no hurry to find out. I'll post it when I know.