Could it be?

My child (baby M) has been diagnosed with acid reflux. I have to say I am a bit skeptical simply because many of the features of a high need baby are also symptoms of acid reflux. Fast forward... he has been on zantac for a week with no improvement at all. Improvement would constitute better sleep with longer stretches. Right now we're lucky if he sleeps for more than 2 hours at night without waking. Translation... one tired and crabby mama. I called the Dr. yesterday to update her on the lack of improvement and she prescribed a stronger med (prevacid). I am not expecting this drug to do miracles either, but am willing to try anything for more sleep. A dear friend of mine offered to take baby M yesterday so I could get some sleep. I let her take Flippity instead. He has been neglected through all of this because baby M is so much w0rk. God bless the child's heart for not getting resentful of his brother. Flippity just goes with the flow, and is satisfied with very little entertaining. We try very hard to do things just for him since he is such a good big brother. Flippity and Daddy are going to visit grandma this weekend by themselves. It's such a long car ride and baby M HATES being in the car. Even to go less than a mile to the grocery store we are blessed with his ear-piercing shrill. Sigh. I don't know how to handle this kid, but I'm learning new things daily.

Diagnosis...

I have 'diagnosed' or 'labeled' baby M as a 'high-need baby'.

This includes things like: needs to be held all the time and in constant motion, hates being confined (swaddled, carseat), demands (by high pitched screaming) whatever he wants, erratic sleep (not a good napper), and various other 'features'. I was at my wits end the other day with him. I threw my hands up and begged for help. We walked around the block the other morning at 3:00 am in the baby carrier, nonetheless. The whole time I was crying and begging God for help. We thought there was something wrong (medically) with him. He drains my energy daily with his demanding demeanor. Now that I have a label for him and understand that there is nothing wrong with him, I feel much better. I believe that God will give me the strength I need to deal with him. I know I am not spoiling him by carrying him all the time, it's what he needs. It makes it all less frustrating to know that it's just his personality. It doesn't, however, make it easier to be sleep deprived but that's what you get with kids. Stay tuned for more exciting updates.

Risking life and limb....literally

Well, The Big Guy has returned.... by the grace of God. If anybody is familiar with the Boundary Waters / Canada this time of year, you would know that now it is snowing. Which most of us can figure out puts the temperatures in the high 20's. Interpretation - it's cold. Highlights of a trip like this include

1. Packing as light as you can because everything you bring you must also carry.
2. Driving 10+ hours to get there in the middle of the night.
3. Sitting in an aluminum fishing boat for 4 hours so you can be dumped in your canoe out in the middle of (only you and God know).
4. There is NO communication between you and civilization until your return (keep in mind if you get hurt in the middle of nowhere, you must be able to fend for yourself- completely). I don't know about you but I'm pretty sure if I broke a limb and had to canoe hours upon hours to get help I'd be dead.
5. You must carry a canoe plus 80 pounds of gear on your back while hiking through the woods and climbing over trees and whatnot to find a campsite or the next lake.

So after a week of fun like this, the guys headed back to the pick up point to be towed 4 hours back to the outfitter when a huge wave tipped the canoe and all the gear. Thank God they all were wearing life vests. Long story short they floated in 50 degree water for 90 minutes to get to shore. Hypothermia had set in and thankfully nobody lost consciousness. Somebody happened to be headed back as well and saw this all take place and went to get help. They were eventually rescued, but if you have ever watched Survivorman you might have seen a scene like theirs. Stripped down to their skivvies in 20 degree weather huddled around a cook stove and shaking violently. He's back and it scared the boy a bit. Needless to say, there will be no more camping trips like this. So yay we both survived the week. I'd rather take my chances with two kids.

From the land of sanity

Curiously enough, both boys have been relatively good this week. We had a couple of days of crabbiness out of Baby M, but not bad. My dad came for a visit during the worst of his days, you would know. He seems to get feisty when company comes, probably because he's over stimulated. Flippity has been his typical 4 year old self. Pushing the limits of everything. He's so independent almost to a fault. We both have similar personalities which is proving to be a bit of a challenge. Maybe it's just because I'm the mom. The first day of school was today for Flippity. Baby M and I had to go chasing all over God's green earth to get The Big Guy's paycheck which was supposed to be direct deposited in our account last Friday. Long story short, the paycheck is MIA and so his hospital had to reluctantly cut another one for me. It may be just me, but I was under the impression that most of us actually NEED our paychecks on payday for things such as, oh I don't know, mortgage and car payments! So here's to a good week of sanity for me! 3 days to go.

Why Oh Why....

Won't my baby sleep? It's not that the night time sleep is such a problem, it's just that he won't nap. And not only that he won't nap, he also won't be allowed out of anyones arms for more than 30 seconds before screaming his head off. Of course I am the one who is around most of the time, so it is I that is glued to Baby M all. day. long. Some say just let him cry. I don't do crying babies. I've never been able to handle the screaming for long. I will do whatever it takes (appropriately of course) to stop a baby from crying. If you ask my mother and everyone else over the age of 50, I am spoiling him by holding him all the time. My opinion is that you cannot spoil a baby, some just like to be held more than others. Some like to sleep more than others. Some drive you nuts more than others. And the icing on the cake is that in 6 days The Big Guy is leaving for a boundary waters camping extravaganza FOR 10 DAYS! I doubt if sanity is even possible by the end (for me that is). I look forward to the days end when the X-Terra is pulling into the driveway and I can hand off Baby M to an adoring daddy. Now I won't have that for 10 DAYS! For the love, does anyone have any suggestions? Some days it's this cuteness that keeps my sanity.

Baby M and Flippity

Here's my wall of portraits so far, might be kind of hard to see but the flash put too much of a glare on the glass. Baby M is doing great, we had our first sleep through the night episode the other night. Unfortunately, it was only once, but I have high hopes that this child WILL sleep through the night routinely before he is 2. By the way, the child on the Left is Flippity, and the child on the Right (of course) is baby M.

My Boys

One of my favorite pictures so far...

Onward Ethiopia

The decision has been made (as if it was a hard one). We are going to pursue the adoption later this year. Apparently (without notifying us of course) our agency had recently changed it's policy about closing adoption cases during a pregnancy. They thought it didn't seem quite fair to the family. Gee ya think? So we'll get to save ourselves around $3,000 with the updated homestudy and fee that we don't have to re-pay the agency. I think we had initially laid down $5,000 when we found out about Baby M, so this is a good thing.

And for all those who love a sleeping baby...

My heart still aches

One would think that having a new baby would give you some sort of satisfaction (at least temporarily) in the absence of the adoption. Wrong. Baby M has filled a place in my heart that needed to be filled in the worst way. He has filled a place in my heart that no one else ever could. But he is not a substitution for adopting. My mind has never left that place, and my heart certainly hasn't. We were told to contact our agency when our baby was born so they could close out our adoption file. Close out the file, to me, means closure on the process. Shutting the door, for now, on a dream that will someday (hopefully) come true. So, I e-mailed our contact at the agency and told her that we would like to revisit adopting in the future. She replied with 'we don't have to close your file, we can keep you on hold as long as you are considering adopting in the near future. This will eliminate you having to pay $xxxx.xx. You can start the application process when your baby is 3 months old.'

Jaw dropping. Eyes welling with tears. This is a hard decision. Maybe completely irresponsible, but we spent all of the adoption $ on a new truck for the Big Guy. We never expected, or should I say, were never told that this was an option. In fact, I was told by the same lady that none of the $ that we'd spent on the adoption could be recovered, and we would have to start at square one. The plan, after resolving ourselves to the fact that this wouldn't happen for several years, was to buy the truck (instead of dumping thousands of dollars into the old one), and save the next 2 years worth of tax returns for the adoption. That would put us 2.5 years down the road for adopting. But now with this info placed at our feet, it would mean less cost all around. An updated homestudy instead of a brand new one, updated fingerprints, mostly updated paperwork altogether. Less cost. Holy crap, 2 small children. How does one make a decision like this?

And some baby goodness for you all to enjoy:
Born 5-16-07
One month old
Baby M and Flippity

Home at Last!

Hallelujia, we are home! Here's the story... The amnio was scheduled for May 16. The day before, the Big Guy and Flippity visited me late at the hospital. I don't know if it was the thought of the test the next day, but as they were leaving I broke down and sobbed in the Big Guys arms for awhile. I just couldn't control the emotional intensity of it all anymore. That night I went to bed scared and sad. I missed my family and just wanted to go home. Every shift at the hospital, the nurses come in and take a blood pressure, and flush the IV line. My nurse came in that night at midnight. She asked me if there was anything new, and I said contractions that have a burning or tearing sensation with them. I didn't think anything of it because they shrugged off all the contractions I had up to that point. She said it was to be expected so far into the pregnancy and it was probably just my round ligament stretching. So, anyway after she left I got up to go to the bathroom and had the much feared gush of blood hemmorage that struck panic into the hearts of all that were working. I called for the nurse and several came running in. I immediately called the Big Guy at home and told him the baby was coming. He rushed to the hospital in record time. Through the whole ordeal baby M was fine and had a good heartrate, so although it was emergent, it wasn't exactly life threatning. I was wheeled down to the OR around 1:30 am. The anesthesiologist allowed the Big Guy to come into the surgery. He is a nurse so he's comfortable around these kinds of siutations. Having him with me kept me from sobbing uncontrollably. I was put out right away, they didn't stick anything into my body until I was out. Thank the Lord #1 for allowing me not to feel all the intrusive procedures. Baby M was born at 1:50 am 7 lb 12 oz. Thank the Lord #2 for a healthy baby. He was perfect, no need for a trip to the NICU. As I was being awakened in the recovery room, the nurse said they didn't have to take your uterus. Thank the Lord #3 for small favors! All in all everything went much better than planned. The first day or so the pain was pretty bad, but with a drug induced haze I got through it fine. I finally got to come home this past Sunday. The baby is doing great, I may post some pictures soon when I have the ambition.

Down and Out

The inevitable bleeding has now begun. I awoke at 4:00 a.m. on Thursday (5-3) to a small bleeding episode. The Big Guy rushed me to the hospital and here I sit. The bleeding has pretty much subsided, but I am here until baby M is born. The surgery is still scheduled for 5-17 unless another bleeding episode occurs. I may not be able to post much here, but I will let everyone know what happens eventually. I am not bound to the bed, but I cannot leave the floor I am on. So, theres a lot of reading and T.V. watching going on. It isn't really as bad as it may seem, but I can't go outside until I leave the hospital. We had another ultrasound yesterday and baby M is already 6 pounds 9 oz! We can expect he will be another 1/2 pound next week at delivery. So, I'll post details when I can.

Holding my breath

I feel like I am holding my breath waiting for something to happen. We saw the Dr. yesterday and he said 'just expect, at any time, that you will start to bleed'. Yeah, that makes me feel like going to the mall or the grocery store. We do have a scheduled date for the C-Section - May 17. Of course it is pending on the previous day's amniocentesis. Not really sure how I feel about that. I know I am freaking out at the concrete date staring me in the face on the calendar. It's obvious that the baby must be born and we know exactly how it's going to happen, it's just that it now seems like it's time to walk the walk. All the talking's done and it's time to face the music. Yeah I'm freaking out! I play out the events of the surgery in my mind several times per day, and it's always scary. I have never had a surgery, general anesthesia, or much pain to speak of in my life. The Big Guy calls me 'warrior woman' from the delivery of Flippity, and of course that hurts but you're up and around immediately following that. I fear the pain. And here's a list of the things that scare me the most:

1. Amniocentesis
2. Urinary catheter
3. Epidural
4. Arterial line
5. Stomach being stapled shut (the after pain)
6. Whatever the lack of a uterus feels like and the internal repairs that must be made

Of course it's best to walk into this situation completely prepared and no suprises, but I would rather have it go down emergently so I don't have to dwell on it for the next 3 weeks (selfish I know).

Enough of my pity party for now. I'll let you know when I feel like celebrating again.

Hidden Blessings

I've come to realize in the past few days that my life is full of blessings. Not that I didn't realize this before, but sometimes we just need to open our eyes in the middle of a storm and stand still. If we can all just shut up for a minute we can hear God speaking to us, and what He says is very comforting. First lets visit the fact that the adoption didn't exactly work out. I was told once by someone that 'God must think you're a pretty good mom to boys, and that's why you're getting another one.' Perhaps I'm not ready, yet, for raising a girl. I may just need a feisty little boy to practice on first! Second, all the problems that have arisen during this pregnancy. The problems themselves are not quite a blessing, but it does make me thankful that I was able to experience the process one last time. The fact that I remain asymptomatic with the placenta previa is a miracle to more than just myself. The Dr. was indeed suprised at this as well - hidden blessing. The sheer size of the baby - a placenta previa baby at that - hidden blessing. I ran into a friend yesterday that gave birth 8 weeks early to her son. He is still in the NICU 3 weeks after birth. He was 3 pounds at birth and can't suck. I am so blessed that this baby is not trying to get out, and he is so big. Third, I have a fantastic family. The big guy is a week from finishing his clinicals for good, then he's done with school. He will be home all week long! Flippity is such a good helper and easy child to deal with - a bonus when hormones are raging.

Sometimes He calms the storm with a whispered 'peace be still'
He can settle any sea, but it doesn't mean He will
Sometimes He holds us close
And lets the wind and waves go wild
Sometimes He calms the storm, and other times He calms His child.

-Scott Krippayne

One day at a time

We had an ultrasound and a visit to the Dr. this week. I am at week 31 yay! The baby is measuring at 33 weeks and is already 4.5 pounds. The Dr., quite frankly, is a bit suprised that I remain asymptomatic with the placenta previa. Statistically, something should go down within the next couple of weeks, according to her. So we decided that if she gets in to do the C-section and sees the placenta not detaching the way it should, she's going ahead with the hysterectomy. I know, some might say 'save the uterus' or 'it's your identity as a woman'. I really am more interested in not bleeding to death or being under general anesthesia forever while the surgeons try to be heroes, ultimately ending in a hysterectomy anyway. The ovaries will remain untouched (hormone production), and really the function of the uterus is to house babies and bleed. It seems logical to me that if I am not going to ever give birth again (no way after all this), and I can get rid of a monthly period at the same time, why not just do it!? I do get to have a pretty vertical scar on my belly though, hopefully not making my belly look like a big butt (but again, lets focus on the big picture... survival). So stay tuned for the updates, any day now....

Happy Good Friday

How many of you out there remembered it was good Friday today? The day that Jesus was crucified to save us from our sins. A sad, and glorious day all wrapped into one. Happy Good Friday everyone!

No gestational diabetes (this is a good Friday).

Glucose is not my friend

I took the 3 hour glucose tolerance test today. At least they had the orange flavor versus the disgusting cola. 100 grams of glucose to drink in 5 minutes. I totally expect the test to come back that I have gestational diabetes. How could it not? My luck so far with this pregnancy has been pretty bad. While sitting at the Dr.'s office for 3 hours, I was able to get undisturbed studying done which was great. And another plus is that the lady drawing the blood did a good job, which means that the 4 needle sticks were a success. Usually phlebotomists in clinics are not so good (no offense to anybody). Results of this test should come back in a few days, I'm really in no hurry to find out. I'll post it when I know.

Blog Change

I just had to update the blog template. Everytime I go in it feels so depressing with the darkness of it. So here's something more uplifting to look at.

MRI Results

We saw the Dr. on Friday evening. The radiologist who read the MRI said that she doesn't think that the placenta has entered the bladder. However, the placenta has breeched the uterine wall making the outcome of this whole thing still unknown. I am very glad that it doesn't appear to be part of the bladder, making a bladder repair less likely. I am still very nervous because the situation is still far from safe. The surgery still has to be done in a regular OR with a gynecologic oncologist there to do the uterine repair (if it is indeed salvageable). There will still probably be a massive blood loss, and the need for a transfusion. I will still need to have an arterial line during the surgery. She said she will shoot for the C-Section to be done sometime the week of May 14, however she also said that she would be doing the happy dance if I could stay pregnant that long. She thought that, in her experience, we would be most likely doing an emergency C-Section at some point. Still no hospitalized bed rest unless any bleeding starts. And one more thing to add to the pile - the 1 hour glucose tolerance test was abnormal, so in I go to do the 3 hour procedure. Apparently anybody whose blood sugar is above 140 needs to have the 3 hour gtt done. My blood sugar... 142

Will somebody throw me a bone here? Anybody?

Mini update

So we talked to the Dr. on Tuesday, the MRI is scheduled for March 23 (next week). She said I will have the C-Section the week of May 14 sometime (pending a positive outcome of the amniocentesis). I don't have to do any bedrest unless I start bleeding. I will update next week after I know more.

Ultrasound news

I had the ultrasound today that would determine whether or not I get an MRI. Well, I'm having an MRI. Not sure when, we need to go talk to the OB tomorrow and schedule it. The placenta looks like it has moved up a bit, just not enough to uncover the cervix. DEFINITE C-Section. I guess I have been prepared for this. The Dr. that read the U/S today said, "for you this should just be a birth. Let us do all the worrying." WHAT!? How can anybody go into this with puppies and flowers hazing their view? She did say that even if the MRI shows no invasion beyond the uterus with blood vessels, the C/S will still be done in a regular OR with all specialists on hand. Basically the situation has alerted them enough to be sceptical of the crazy placenta that when they cut me open they will be prepared for anything.

On a fun note, The Big Guy bought a new Nissan X-Terra today. More room for travelling with 2 kids. Yay!